Denial
by Vakaria
Summary: James is assigned to be the personal guard of Commander Dhana Shepard while she is on trial for working with Cerberus. The more he gets to know her, the more he falls in love with her, but he doesn't think shee could ever feel thee same.
1. Chapter 1

James sits at the bar in Afterlife, staring at his fifth drink, when he overhears the conversation of two humans beside him.

"They should just hand her over."

"Yeah." The second man nods and downs a shot. "I don't care about Commander Fucking Shepard. The Batarians will attack our colonies. How can the Alliance risk war with them over one woman."

James wasn't looking for a fight, when he came to the club tonight – in fact he just wanted to forget – but he just can't let these men talking about her like that. Commander Shepard is like… his personal hero. Even before the battle of the Citadel. She attracted his attention after she saw her in the vids of Akuze. She had seen her whole squad getting killed by Thresher Maws. And still she looked strong. And beautiful. _Like a warrior goddess._ He thought back then. She didn't let it break her.

Maybe he wasn't a good soldier – well, if he was he wouldn't have ended up here on Omega with the scum of the galaxy – but he has still loyalty left, to the Alliance. And to Shepard.

Without even turning to the two men he growls: "Shut up."

That draws the men's attention to him. They are trying to take threatening positions, probably they're drunk enough to think they would be a match for him. "Are you talking to us, man?"

James straightens up and turns around. "Yeah, I am. You should keep your mouth shut, pendejo. That woman risked her life twice to save the galaxy, including your sorry ass. Shepard is a goddamn hero and you should be thanking her!" Then he stands up and steps towards them.

The two retreat when he's towering over them, noting his obvious anger, not without muttering something that sounds like "Bloody idiot." James sighs and returns to nursing his drink.

A few minutes later he hears a voice behind him.

"Lieutenant James Vega?"

He looks around to see an elder, black man looking at him, wearing an alliance uniform. _Great. I guess they found me._

Straightening up and saluting he answers: "Sir."

The man salutes back, then states: "At ease, lieutenant. I'm Admiral David Anderson. I came to Omega to offer you a job, but I think we should go outside to talk. It's a bit loud in here, don't you think?" He smiles, then walks towards the exit.

James sighs again, pays his last drink and follows the admiral. When they arrive at the Docks Anderson stops and turns back to James.

"No offense, Sir, but I'm not interested." Looking at the floor he adds: "And I'm pretty sure you can find a lot of better soldiers, better men, for whatever you have in mind."

Anderson continues: "I need you as a personal guard. I know, guard duty may not sound very thrilling, but I'm pretty sure you will be interested anyways when I tell you who we are talking about." He pauses to look James straight in the eye. "Commander Dhana Shepard."

James just stares at him. This can't be true.

"She was put in detention and she will need someone to have her back, to keep her sane. Someone loyal. And after what I've seen back in the club, I think the job would fit you." The Admiral holds out his hand. "Will you accept, Lieutenant?"

He doesn't have to think about that. James shakes Anderson's hand, then salutes. "Would be an honor, sir."

The older man nods and seems satisfied. "You have one hour to gather your belongings, lieutenant, then we are leaving for earth. We're docking right over there." With that the admiral walks towards the ship, leaving James speechless.


	2. Chapter 2

While Anderson enters the door code at Shepards Apartment in the Detention Center, James thinks about everything the Admiral told him. They took Shepard's ship, stripped her off her rank and put her under arrest without contact to anyone.

And he's angry. After all Shepard has done for them, for the whole galaxy, these pendejos just threw her away. That woman risked her life more than one time, saved countless lifes, dios, she even came back from the dead to fight the Collectors and that's how they thank her.

Then the doors open and he straightens up, prepares to meet his hero and enters the apartment right behind Anderson.

And there she is. Standing at the window and looking outside. When she turns around, sees Anderson and smiles he can't help but to admire her. She looks just like in the vids.

But suddenly the smile vanishes as she lays eyes on him and she sends a demanding look to Anderson.

"Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega. He will be your bodyguard."

She frowns.

Anderson puts a hand on her shoulder. "Listen Shepard. You might not like this, but…"

Shepard pulls away from him and sends a menacing glare in James direction. "First this joke of a trial, then I get locked in here and I'm not even allowed to let my friends know I'm okay and now a babysitter? You've GOT to be kidding me!"

Anderson sighs and turns back to him. "Well, now that you've been introduced to each other, I think it would be better if you leave for now and let me talk to her, Lieutenant."

James salutes and exits the small apartment. He has been assigned the one right next to Shepard's and he decides to unpack his stuff, even if it isn't much.

Two hours later he is standing in front of her door again. A few minutes ago he receives a short message from her on his Omnitool, asking him to come over. James enters the key code but then knocks. He doesn't have to wait long until he hears her saying "Come in."

Shepard is sitting on her desk, turning to him, but looking at the wall somewhere behind his shoulder. "Look, Lieutenant. I just wanted to say… I'm sorry for earlier. I was angry and I shouldn't have…"

He interrupts her. "No need to apologize, Commander."

She scowls and tries to figure out if he's mocking her. Her answer is in a slightly aggressive tone. "You're not supposed to call me that anymore."

James smiles. "Yeah, but I don't care. I think that's bullshit. I think you deserve respect. And if nobody else gives it to you, then they're pendejos." At her questioning look he adds. "Idiots." _You should stop babbling, man._

She smiles back, just a small, very small smile, but still. "I'd still prefer if you called me Shepard, Lieutenant. Commander just reminds me of everything I lost, my ship, my crew, my… friends…" She clenches her teeth.

He crosses his arms and smiles again. "Well, I think I could do that. If you stop to call me Lieutenant. I'm James."

Shepard motions towards the other chair in the apartment, not far away from hers and he sits down. She smirks. "So, James. What did you do to deserve being my guard dog?"

**Just a word from me**  
I know the chapters aren't very long this far, but I'm trying to change that, even if it can take a few chapters :) I'd love some reviews, cause I'm still fairly new to fanfiction.


	3. Chapter 3

After a few days he spent with Shepard, James is even more amazed with this woman. Even after everything that happened she still tries to keep calm and not show weakness, at least in front of him. But even if she tries to look happy and act if everything is okay – well as okay as it can be in her situation – he can see the anger and stress and frustration is building up in her.

He thought about it and finally had an idea. It was a bit difficult to realize, but he spoke with Anderson about it and the Admiral agreed to help him.

When James enters Shepard's apartment he grins widely and Shepard looks a bit surprised. She asks cautiously "Is there something I should know?".

"Got a surprise for you, Shepard. Dress up, we're going out."

She pouts and jokes "Am I not pretty enough for you like I am now?" but grabs a black hoodie to wear over her T-Shirt. James notices it has large red and white stripes on one arm and says N7 on the chest. He almost forgot that that small woman in front of him was one of the few elite soldiers who completed the N7 Training program. Before he can think of a good response to her joke she adds: "Where are we going? I thought I wasn't allowed to leave this apartment?" this time seriously.

"Well, as you are with your personal guard…" He points at himself. "And we have permission of Admiral Anderson to leave for two hours to…" He pauses to grin even wider. "… go to the shooting range. Thought you might like…"

Before he can finish Shepard is right in front of him and throws her arms around him in a hug.

_The great Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, first human spectre, hero of the Alliance, hugging me. If someone told me that two weeks ago, I'd laughed my ass off._

He can't even hug her back or pat her back or something like that, before she steps back, blushing to a bright tomato red.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant, that wasn't appropriate. I shouldn't have… I just..." She looks up to him with a shy smile on her still red face. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome Shepard." He smiles back brightly and tries not to think about that hug. _She was so close. And she looks good. Just like in the vids, no, better. No, stop that, majadero. You're supposed to be her guard. Maybe her friend. Not… you know! _He sighs and motions to the door.

Later when he watches Shepard perforating the targets, first with an assault rifle, then with heavy pistols and last the sniper rifle, with a fierce glam in her eyes, letting out a small victory cry every time she defeats an holographic enemy, he's sure it was exactly what she needed. He tries to do some target practice himself, but after a few shots he always ends up watching Shepard.

The soldier's black shoulder long hair is tousled but he still catches himself thinking that she's beautiful, probably the most beautiful woman he ever met. When she gives him a wide smile while she's changing the thermo clip of her gun, he can't help but smile back.

As James escorts her back to her apartment he notices, that she looks absolutely happy and he's quite pleased with himself.

He enters the key code, then steps aside to let her enter her rooms. "See ya tomorrow, Shepard."

First it looks like the wants to hug him again, but then she just smirks and says "Good night James and thanks again."

Sitting at his dining table a few minutes later, he thinks about everything again. It's not like he's developing a crush on Commander Shepard or something like that. It's just… that she's attractive and he's noticing it. Just like probably every other man in the galaxy and even some women and aliens. It's totally normal.

**And another word from me  
**

Majadero = Mooncalf

I just had spanish lessons for half a year and only the very basics, so I used an onlinee dictionary and I hope it's right.

After I read this chapter again I thought I should add an orientation when this takes place. It's around two weeks after they first met.  
**EDIT: Just noticed I accidently wrote two months first. **

At the moment, two friends of mine are doing the betareading (Thanks to you two :) ) but none of them has actually played Mass Effect so if anyone who reads this story would also like to be a betareader, I'd be really grateful :) (I know this website has kind of a system for this, but I don't really get how this works...) So if you'd like that please send me a PM or leave a comment or something like that :)


	4. Chapter 4

Staring at the crate on his table, James is feeling a bit guilty. Earlier this morning he was at Anderson's office to get some of Shepard's belongings from the Normandy. Everything she had got examined for secret Cerberus devices or evidence that could be used against her. But apparently the stuff in this box got deemed not dangerous and he was supposed to deliver it to Shepard.

And still he was standing in his apartment, looking at something that contained parts of Shepard's life.

_Just a glance. That can't hurt. Right?_

He starts to open the box, but stops.

_No, it isn't right. She trusts you. And that's wrong. If she wants you to know, she'll tell you. Don't screw this one up._

He lifts the crate and goes straight to the apartment next to his, knocking first and waiting for the sign to enter. Shepard looks up from her bowl of cereal.

"You're early today. Aren't you normally training at this time?"

James places the box on the table, right in front of her and sighs. It was quite heavy. He wonders again what's inside but pushes the thought to the back of his mind.

"Yeah, but I had to pick something up. Anderson got you your stuff from the Normandy. They tested it for bugs and stuff… you know…Making sure you can't play MacGyver with it to contact Cerberus." At her questioning look he adds. "You know, that show, about this Quarian who can build everything he wants out of stuff he finds and uses it to fight against mercs…"

Shepard shakes her head. "Must have missed this. But that sounds almost like a quarian girl I know." Before he can ask her about this girl, she puts away her breakfast quickly and then proceeds to open the crate. James looks uncomfortably to the ground.

"You know, Shepard, I can go. If you don't want me to see this, that's…"

Shepard silences him with a movement of her hand.

"It's okay, you can stay. I mean, we're spending that much time together, I think we're becoming a kind of friends…" She averts her eyes, avoiding his gaze. "Well if you are okay with this. I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you want to keep this professional. I'm deemed a traitor to the Alliance. I'm a prisoner. Nobody uses this word, but that's what it is. I'm locked in here, not allowed to contact anyone."

She bites her lip, silencing herself, but he can see her hands clenching on the edges of the box.

James can barely believe what she just said. This incredible woman, a hero, his hero, is worried he wouldn't want to be her friend? She wants him to be?

_She wouldn't want it, if she knew where you came from. If she knew who you are._

He ignores the little voice in his head and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, Shepard." She looks up to him and he's shocked to see fear in her eyes. If he should guess, he'd say fear of rejection. He didn't realize how much this whole mess is getting to her. "I'd be honored to call you my friend."

Shepard turns around and he sees tears running down her cheeks. This time it's him who pulls her into a hug and he pats her back while she's crying at his shoulder.

_She must really trust you. I don't think many people in the galaxy have seen her cry._

He doesn't know how long they stand there like this, until the sobbing stops and she pulls back. While she dries her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie she looks at him and blushes a bit.

"Sorry James, now your shoulder is wet and…"

He smiles at her. "Hey, it's okay. Friends, remember?"

She smirks, eyes still a bit red. "Well, now that that's settled, let's open this mysterious box"

When the box finally opens, Shepard lets out a small cry of joy.

"My books! My books are in here!"

She piles around 15 books on the table beside the box. Well, that explains why it was so heavy.

James smirks. "You're getting that exited over these bunches of paper? Why don't you just download them on a data pad?"

Shepard stares at him like he just said the sun spins around the earth.

"You can't just… It's not the same! The smell and the feeling of the paper. The weight of the book in your hands. You can't have this with a data pad."

She then continues to dig through the contents of the box and mumbles: "My clothes… God, even this awful dress I got from Kasumi… The Star of Terra and the Medal from the battle of the Citadel… My Omnitool… I guess they blocked communications, but at least I have my music and my vids… Zaeed's deck of cards…"

Suddenly she goes silent and slams the box shut. She takes it and walks towards her bedroom.

Shepard doesn't even turn around when she says: "I guess I'll put these away… Clothes in the closet… Books in the shelves… See you later, James." and her voice suddenly sounds hard and cold. With that she's gone.

First he wants to go after her, ask her what happened, but then he decides to just leave her alone.

_When she's ready to tell you, she will._

-  
**It's me again  
**So, this chapter isn't beta'd cause my usual two betareaders are very busy at the moment and I didn't want to wait a week to upload it and I hope it's okay anyways :)

Thanks to everyone who follows this story :)

Won't be long till the next chapter :) (It will be revealed what Shepard found in the box, but I think it isn't that difficult to guess :D )


	5. Chapter 5

James puts down the bowl of Popcorn he brought with him and settles down on the couch, waiting for Shepard to finish dinner. Their twice-a-week-movie night has become a tradition over the past months.

On Tuesdays it's Shepard's turn to pick a movie on Fridays it's his choice. At first he feared she would chose chick-flicks, but he didn't need to worry.

_"You did WHAT?"James gaped at her. She was really one hell of a woman. He knew few men who would actually stand up to an angry Krogan and this small, black-haired girl in front of him headbutted one just cause he was being an ass and upset one of her crewmembers. "Why didn't you tell anyone? Imagine the headlines!"_

_Shepard grinned at him. "Yeah, Khalisah al-Jilani would have loved it. Commander Shepard attacks innocent Krogan on his home-planet. Is she finally losing it?" She snorted. "And anyway, the first rule of fight club, you don't talk about fight club." He just shot her a questioning look. "Never seen Fight Club? It's a classic!"_

_When James shook his head she smirked and ordered: "Tonight you will. You bring Popcorn, I'll make dinner. I think I still have it on my Omnitool."_

He grins at the memory. He thought the film was quite good but also pretty fucked up. Three days later he made her watch a James Bond movie. ("Really? The hero's named James?" "Yeah, cool guy. Secret agent. Saves the world and gets the girl everytime. Just like me." "Whatever you say, Agent Vega.")

The week after, Shepard forced him to watch the Lion King. He would never admit it, but he actually liked that one. And he surely DIDN'T cry when the lion died. He just got dust in his eye.

Over the next three months they watched classics like Star Wars or Indiana Jones and new films, mostly action films and even Blasto 3, even if Shepard wasn't a big fan.

Today it was again his turn to pick a movie.

"You're kidding me, right?" She looks unbelieving.

"Nope. I'm surprised you didn't knew about it. Was a blockbuster when it hit the cinemas."

"But didn't they, I don't know, need my permission to do a film about me?"

He grins. "Well, you were dead. And while the Alliance used you for their recruitment campaigns, others produced this film."

The movie is at best awful and Shepard's mood seems to alternate between amused ("That's called an armour? It has heels and her boobs are nearly falling out? And why is her hair that long? That's completely impractical in combat!") and horrified ("Wow, Shepard, never knew you had a thing for Asari." "Why is she hooking up with Liara? I never… Oh my god, she didn't really say that… Please kill me now… I think I'm gonna die of embarrassment…")

James patted her back and told her "You know, I like the real you a lot more than the chick in that film." and the bright smile she gave him was totally worth watching that terrible movie.

Nevertheless he decided to get her a "Paragon in the streets – Renegade in the sheets" shirt out of the movie franchise. Just a bit teasing under friends and certainly not cause he thought she looked cute when she was embarrassed.

_

This one's again a bit shorter. The part in italics and the dialogues in brackets are flashbacks.  
Yeah, took me a while, and then it's short, but I'll try to finish the next chapter a bit quicker...


	6. Chapter 6

A few days later he's sitting in Shepard's living room, waiting for her to fetch the deck of card and some snacks, when he notices a frame on her desk, the picture to the table. It probably fell over so he decides to put it right again. And probably he's a little bit curious... But that's not the main reason.

It's a photo of an alliance soldier and he could swear he saw him around the headquarters last week. _I guess that's her boyfriend. Yeah, I should've thought about it. Of course a woman like Shepard has a boyfriend._

James is thinking about why the man didn't even try to visit her when he was around, when he hears Shepard gasp behind him. She stares at the frame in his hands.

_Shit. _"Uhm, sorry Shepard. I shouldn't have –"

She sighs and takes the picture from him. "Nah, it's okay. I probably should have thrown it away the moment I found it in this box."

_What? Why should she throw it away?_

"That your boyfriend, Shepard?"

She sighs and motions towards the couch. After they're both seated she continues.

"No, not anymore."

_Ah, so she dumped him._

"So, who is he, Shepard?"

"His name is Kaidan. Kaidan Alenko. He was on my team on the first Normandy."

"And you two liked each other."

"You could put it that way. I kinda liked him a lot. But I didn't plan to act on it. Superior officer and stuff. And honestly I didn't think he felt the same way."

James chuckled at that. _How could she think there was any man out in this galaxy who wouldn't be head over heels for her._

"But then all that shit happened. To stop Saren we had to steal the Normandy and before we really knew what happened we were on our way to Ilos and didn't knew if we would still be alive tomorrow. And then he came to my cabin. Told me he loved me. And it was kinda perfect. I mean, we hadn't known each other that long, but it just fit."

She smiled at the memory and James tried to figure out why the thought of her being with this man bothered him.

"Then Saren was defeated and we agreed that it wasn't just some 'We could die tomorrow"-thing and that we would find a way. And then I died." She swallows hard. "But I came back. And they told me I had been away for two years and there was a new threat to the galaxy. So I recruited a new team. And I searched for him, but nobody could tell me anything."

Shepard looks at the picture again, this time sadly. "Well, they always say 'Be careful what you wish for, it may come true.' . I met him on one of the colonies the Collectors attacked. The Illusive Man told me right before the mission Kaidan would be there. And when we couldn't stop them in time and they took some of the Colonists with them I was so afraid he was one of them. Then suddenly be stood right in front of me. Hugged me. Told me he missed me. And I thought that maybe everything would get okay, now that I had him back."

She barked out a bitter laugh. "Then he said some pretty mean things. That he never believed I would work with Cerberus. That I wasn't the person he knew and loved. That he didn't trust me. The he knew where his loyalties lay. That I betrayed the alliance. And that I betrayed him. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He just walked away."

James looks at her incredulously. _That guy was an idiot. He had this brave, intelligent, gorgeous and incredible woman. He got her back from the dead. And that pendejo dumped her. If she was mine, I'd never treat her like that... No... don't go there... You're just one of the grunts and she's... she's Commander Fucking Shepard... As soon as the defense counsil come to their senses she'll be out of here and won't think of you again..._

"Yeah, and that's about it. I cried for about three days and then I had to get over it. After all I had a galaxy to save." Shepard smiles again, but it's not as bright as usual. I heard from him only one time since then and that was a mail telling me he'd dated a doctor and I should 'take care'. I still don't know what to make of that..." For a moment she seems lost in thought, but then she puts the frame away and grins. "So... We wanted to play cards, didn't we."

Two hours later he's back in his apartment. He had lost every round, cause he was to busy reminding himself not to stare at her or think how it would feel to kiss her and how inappropriate exact these thoughts were.

He spent the past months convincing himself, that he definitely doesn't have a crush on her. Maybe it's time to admit it to himself. After all it's just a childish crush. He knows there won't be coming anything out of there and that's it...

_You have a crush on humanity's golden girl and hero. You're so fucked, amigo._

_

First of all: Big thanks to everyone who reviews this story or reads it or follows :)  
Sorry, it took so long to update again, I was quite busy with uni...  
This one takes place after they know each other around 6 months, so shortly before the reapers attack.


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